Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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