It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
