Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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