Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
