I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
