i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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