I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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