Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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