Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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