My boss' voice literally gives me gas
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
