If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
