naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
