It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
