Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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