I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
