I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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