i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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