i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
