Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
