We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
