I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
