covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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