Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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