She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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