Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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