I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
