So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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