p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
