please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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