Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
