OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
