You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
