I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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