I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Sober January is a disaster.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
