New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
