I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize