just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
