I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
