My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think I sprained my soul last night
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
