I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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