god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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