We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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