Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
