His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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