if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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