a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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