those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
