the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
