Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
