Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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