The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
