Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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