She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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