My sheets look like a crime scene.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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