Already got asked if we're dating
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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