So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
